1,000 Cranes - The Innocence of My Son, 'I Wish You Happiness...'

1,000 Cranes.  I had been fired from my job because I couldn’t condone making up services numbers on a project, so I was told my services were no longer needed, nor necessary.   I was fired.  No unemployment.  No prospects.  I stood up for what I believed in, yet it was with an outcome that I didn’t expect.  I began to do manual labor.  I painted apartments for my landlord to cover the costs of rent.  I was on public assistance, again.  It was a difficult time.  I was heavy with worry a lot of the time.  I was hurt emotionally from the experience.  A graduate education didn’t matter cause I was beginning again.  I don’t lay my adult worries on my son, but he watched me.  I came home one day from painting and Sonny was doing origami.  He was watching Youtube and learning to fold cranes.  I commented on how beautiful they were.  A few days later, he was still at it.  His little 9 year old hands were folding paper, creasing, and meticulously making cranes.  I asked why he was doing this.  I figured it was to decorate his room.  No it wasn’t.  He told me the story about a Japanese legend that if he folded 1,000 cranes that he’d be granted a wish.  His wish was that I’d be happy again and I wouldn’t have to worry all the time about money, food, rent, lights, gas, and how I was gonna get what he needed.  I was stunned.  I then sobbed when I heard this and held him in my arms.  I reminded him things will get better.  Life just threw us a curveball.  I apologized for not being happy go lucky Mom that he needed.  I thanked him for his project.  His wish meant everything to me.  I got my wish when he was born.  And, this is one of the many reasons my son continues to amaze me…             

Yeah sure, I could’ve done it differently, but I didn't...Accepting 'mid-life' on its terms ain't easy.

Being present in this new stage of my life requires diligence.    It is me being diligent of not looking at my past with longing and trying to hold on.  It is me being diligent about not looking into my future with foreboding.  I may not be where I thought I was going to be, but I am where I need to be.  I listen to my Elders with anticipation.  I listen to the younger generation with awe.  For my contemporaries, I am witnessing a struggle.  I realize this may be my projecting my internal discourse.  I am witnessing people holding onto a time in their past when they were bold, confident, and inspiring with a desperate-ness.  They hold onto anger as a salve to cool fresh wounds from their past.  They struggle to forgive because letting go is likened to falling into an abyss.  Their unwillingness to accept life as it is may mean that they’ve given up.  I’m discovering my middle place (Middle Age) is exciting and continues to be filled with passion.  The changes my body is going through reminds me of my connection to creation.  Season change, so do I, and time will move along without any effort.                 

I Believe HE Exists -

 Kind, decent, committed man who enjoys family, spiritually orientated, recognizes love by demonstrating it, is thoughtful, never allows insecurity destroy, is vigilant to not allow someone to enter our relationship, finds new ways to be thoughtful and show love, doesn’t tear away at dignity, appreciates the crevices of my body, finds joy in getting old with me, and is the last face I wanna see when my time here is done.  I wanna be able to watch him.  Recognize his grace.  Understand his dignity.  Be proud.  Feel the gentle touch of his hand when he senses I’m suddenly afraid and I need him.  Holds me as I weep.  Reminds me that the darkness of the night is not terrifying.  Makes that time of day magical and not be dreaded.  Is strong enough to know that my pain is not bound to him, but from a life filled with lessons.  Understands my flashbacks then waits for me to return or helps guide me back to myself.  Whispering lovingly.  Calling my name.  Reminding me that love does exist.  And, I am enough.  Is a reminder that not all Men are violent, nor rape, nor take without consent, nor demand my behavior be in accordance with what he deems appropriate.  I wanna be in awe of him.  Majestic.  A love that has been waiting for me.  God made just for me.  Simply, breathtaking.  Beautiful.  I believe he exists.  

moments of clarity and comfort

Have you ever experienced moments of clarity and comfort?  I have.  I’d be struggling with some issue.  I’d be worried.  I’d cry.  I’d be afraid.  Suddenly, a feeling would wash over me, I knew everything was gonna be all right.  The urgency of my fear and worry were gone.  I’d feel every hair on my body stand in attention.  It felt like someone gently brushed up against my skin sending shivers run down my back.  I’d just smile and say, “Thanks”. 

Nicholas “Nick” Metcalf Event Bio

"Nicholas "Nick" Metcalf - Cetanzi (Yellow Hawk) writes about his journey which may be a cautionary tale or a tale of triumph.  Stay tuned.  He also likes to write about the complicated lives of the people and communities he loves.  An enrolled member of the Rosebud Sioux Tribe, he has made the Twin Cities his home for over 18 years.  He still believes in love and is a hopeless romantic.  During the day, he is a cog in the wheel of state bureaucracy and at night, a fantastic ever loving parent of a teenage son, Hoksicila Cante Ma Yuha (Child of My Heart)."

This was the bio for a recent reading that I took part in.  It was my 3rd public reading of my poetry and it was incredible.  Here is the text from the promotional material:  

Dakota Writers

Speak to Presence

On the 150^th anniversary of the largest mass execution in the history of the United States of America – the hanging of 38 + 2 Dakota men in Mankato for their role in the U.S. Dakota Conflict – and in the 150^th anniversary year of the Dakota conflict, Dakota writers speak to Presence. Although our presence is often erased or misrepresented in mainstream media, we are here. Join us as we reflect, remember, and share.

Featuring Nick Metcalf, Monique Leith (reading poems by her grandpa Ron Leith), Richard Merlin Johnson Jr., Terri Yellowhammer, Colleen Casey, and Lisa Yankton

location: Black Dog Cafe

308 Prince St. (corner of 4^th and Broadway, downtown)

St. Paul, MN 55101

651.228.9274

date: Wednesday, December 26^th 2012

time: 8:30 – 10:00 PM

Agenda: 7:00 – 8:30 PM Lowertown Reading Jam

8:30 – 10:00 PM Dakota Writers Speak to Presence