Yeah sure, I could’ve done it differently, but I didn't...Accepting 'mid-life' on its terms ain't easy.

Being present in this new stage of my life requires diligence.    It is me being diligent of not looking at my past with longing and trying to hold on.  It is me being diligent about not looking into my future with foreboding.  I may not be where I thought I was going to be, but I am where I need to be.  I listen to my Elders with anticipation.  I listen to the younger generation with awe.  For my contemporaries, I am witnessing a struggle.  I realize this may be my projecting my internal discourse.  I am witnessing people holding onto a time in their past when they were bold, confident, and inspiring with a desperate-ness.  They hold onto anger as a salve to cool fresh wounds from their past.  They struggle to forgive because letting go is likened to falling into an abyss.  Their unwillingness to accept life as it is may mean that they’ve given up.  I’m discovering my middle place (Middle Age) is exciting and continues to be filled with passion.  The changes my body is going through reminds me of my connection to creation.  Season change, so do I, and time will move along without any effort.                 

I Believe HE Exists -

 Kind, decent, committed man who enjoys family, spiritually orientated, recognizes love by demonstrating it, is thoughtful, never allows insecurity destroy, is vigilant to not allow someone to enter our relationship, finds new ways to be thoughtful and show love, doesn’t tear away at dignity, appreciates the crevices of my body, finds joy in getting old with me, and is the last face I wanna see when my time here is done.  I wanna be able to watch him.  Recognize his grace.  Understand his dignity.  Be proud.  Feel the gentle touch of his hand when he senses I’m suddenly afraid and I need him.  Holds me as I weep.  Reminds me that the darkness of the night is not terrifying.  Makes that time of day magical and not be dreaded.  Is strong enough to know that my pain is not bound to him, but from a life filled with lessons.  Understands my flashbacks then waits for me to return or helps guide me back to myself.  Whispering lovingly.  Calling my name.  Reminding me that love does exist.  And, I am enough.  Is a reminder that not all Men are violent, nor rape, nor take without consent, nor demand my behavior be in accordance with what he deems appropriate.  I wanna be in awe of him.  Majestic.  A love that has been waiting for me.  God made just for me.  Simply, breathtaking.  Beautiful.  I believe he exists.  

Do I haunt your hours...

Do I haunt your hours like you haunt mine?

Does your soul know the love I feel?

I speak of infinity.

When I am near you – I am in communion.

God incarnate. 

When I see you -

You are my opportunity to witness,

To hear,

To recognize,

To experience the fullness of being. 

When I am near you – I sense vulnerability under strength.

I recognize greatness.

I recognize our becoming.

My love for you is forged in the fire of adversity.

My birth was an opportunity to be with you.

Near you, I know only abundance.

I see the world – the amazing hues in between all the lines.

Our moments together are enough.

Do I haunt your hours like you haunt mine?

Does your soul know the love I feel?

I speak of infinity.