Poetry: "I Deserve THE BEST Not Just Better"

I have given myself willing

To mindless men

A quivering notion of myself

I believed they were the best I'd ever get

I’d hope beyond hope they'd stay

I didn't know

Couldn’t discern

ask or demand

or know any better

about myself

I had no agency

I had no personal value

At least, not enough to believe

I deserved the best

Throughout each story, I grew

I became more of me than I'd ever known

Cautionary tales and stories that began

With a tumultuous beginning

and end with

Them leaving, Me begging, Me pleading,

Sometimes, I'd do the leaving

With the end being the same

My Body riddled

My Mind Scorned and

My Spirit Worn

I begged and pleaded

Why not me?

Love Me?

Am I not enough?

I deserve more, The BEST not just better

Yet I’d return again

I’d succumb to another tragic tale

Lain open for discovery

For Yet another Man

A Man-child who did not know

His own shadow

Shadows he ran from

Shadows that followed him

Shadows that told his secrets

Describing his desires he’s kept hidden

I believed their words

And fallen for ‘Their Game’

Utterances of kindness

Tales of a life together

Dreams that were shared

All painted for me across the tapestry of the sky

They satiated my lonely soul

They fed my longing for a connection

Any connection

Until they left, then I am alone yet again

In my silent moments

Amongst my tears and broken dreams

I'd find myself under the carnage of my desperate mind

Trapped by my own insecurity

With the rife stench of my carelessness

I pushed and pulled myself out of the wreckage of my own making

I'd discover myself a little lighter, a little brighter

Cause I knew and began to believe:

I deserve more, the BEST not just better

I began to taste the savoriness of knowing this

As the bitterness of those lessons were new:

I deserve more, The BEST not just better

I’d began the tireless work of my introspection

Dissecting my histories

Healing my old wounds

Owning my stories

Understanding my journey

As I learned to nurture myself

I discovered a kernel of truth:

I deserve The BEST not just better

In my quest of unraveling and discovery

I’d stumble upon doubt

Uncovering old tapes that chimed –

“You’re nothing”,

“Whore”,

“You’re ugly”

“Who’d want you anyway?”

Heeding those words

I’d begin another story

Another desperate tale of woe and seeking

I’d succumb to another mindless man-child

Our bodies writhing only with desire

I believed that this was it

I confused touch and love, yet again

He’d embody a dream that was not ours to live

I failed to recognize this lesson and the manifestations of idolatry

I deserve the best not just better,

A distant mantra from someone else

The denouement of my story often went:

Me reeking of desperation

Me getting smacked with the back of hand

Me being drug by my hair

Me getting kicked in the stomach

I deserve the best not just better,

Empty words that someone else discovered

The story would end the same:

He’d leave with stolen things along with my sense of safety

He walked out with my dignity and my dreams

Unbeknownst to him our dreams were bound by my sacred coven

Leaving me to wonder why?

I believed he loved me

Because He said so, as tears slid down his face

And he spoke in a determined voice that rendered me mindless

Amongst the litany of men, is and was my salvation

My peace of knowing and ultimately believing:

I deserve the best not just better.

December 18, 2011

January 5, 2013