You've won...

"You've won because you have the audacity to be who you are.  You've won because you tell the truth on yourself.  You've won because you demonstrate kindness and love then have it reflected back to you.  You've won with each step forward you have the gumption to straighten your back and hold your head high then step out into the universe to heed its calling.  You've won because you don't let life lessons slump your shoulders, break your spirit, and you look boldly at it with as much courage as you have in that moment.  You've won when you look down at those who want to take your joy and love them in spite of.  You've won with every breathe you take.  You've won just because you are..."

Poetry: "The Threshold"

With Time

Living past and beyond
people who raised you
is sad and at times, dire

Their essence falls into the universe
They become a memory

How do you keep them alive in people’s minds?
How do you let people know of their time here?
How do you tell people what they believed in?
How do you tell their stories to inspire others?

I’m learning

A testament to them
A way of honoring them
A way to keep them close

To Ask

Is this how you’d do it?
Is this what you believed?
Is this what you want?

Their voice will usher along the whisper of the winds
Telling you
Their truths will resonate in your soul
It will shake you
It will tap you
It will hold you

I wait

Along this threshold listening for their voice
Urgings from them - now, then, and beyond.

December 24, 2011

January 5, 2013

Poetry: "I Deserve THE BEST Not Just Better"

I have given myself willing

To mindless men

A quivering notion of myself

I believed they were the best I'd ever get

I’d hope beyond hope they'd stay

I didn't know

Couldn’t discern

ask or demand

or know any better

about myself

I had no agency

I had no personal value

At least, not enough to believe

I deserved the best

Throughout each story, I grew

I became more of me than I'd ever known

Cautionary tales and stories that began

With a tumultuous beginning

and end with

Them leaving, Me begging, Me pleading,

Sometimes, I'd do the leaving

With the end being the same

My Body riddled

My Mind Scorned and

My Spirit Worn

I begged and pleaded

Why not me?

Love Me?

Am I not enough?

I deserve more, The BEST not just better

Yet I’d return again

I’d succumb to another tragic tale

Lain open for discovery

For Yet another Man

A Man-child who did not know

His own shadow

Shadows he ran from

Shadows that followed him

Shadows that told his secrets

Describing his desires he’s kept hidden

I believed their words

And fallen for ‘Their Game’

Utterances of kindness

Tales of a life together

Dreams that were shared

All painted for me across the tapestry of the sky

They satiated my lonely soul

They fed my longing for a connection

Any connection

Until they left, then I am alone yet again

In my silent moments

Amongst my tears and broken dreams

I'd find myself under the carnage of my desperate mind

Trapped by my own insecurity

With the rife stench of my carelessness

I pushed and pulled myself out of the wreckage of my own making

I'd discover myself a little lighter, a little brighter

Cause I knew and began to believe:

I deserve more, the BEST not just better

I began to taste the savoriness of knowing this

As the bitterness of those lessons were new:

I deserve more, The BEST not just better

I’d began the tireless work of my introspection

Dissecting my histories

Healing my old wounds

Owning my stories

Understanding my journey

As I learned to nurture myself

I discovered a kernel of truth:

I deserve The BEST not just better

In my quest of unraveling and discovery

I’d stumble upon doubt

Uncovering old tapes that chimed –

“You’re nothing”,

“Whore”,

“You’re ugly”

“Who’d want you anyway?”

Heeding those words

I’d begin another story

Another desperate tale of woe and seeking

I’d succumb to another mindless man-child

Our bodies writhing only with desire

I believed that this was it

I confused touch and love, yet again

He’d embody a dream that was not ours to live

I failed to recognize this lesson and the manifestations of idolatry

I deserve the best not just better,

A distant mantra from someone else

The denouement of my story often went:

Me reeking of desperation

Me getting smacked with the back of hand

Me being drug by my hair

Me getting kicked in the stomach

I deserve the best not just better,

Empty words that someone else discovered

The story would end the same:

He’d leave with stolen things along with my sense of safety

He walked out with my dignity and my dreams

Unbeknownst to him our dreams were bound by my sacred coven

Leaving me to wonder why?

I believed he loved me

Because He said so, as tears slid down his face

And he spoke in a determined voice that rendered me mindless

Amongst the litany of men, is and was my salvation

My peace of knowing and ultimately believing:

I deserve the best not just better.

December 18, 2011

January 5, 2013

Poetry: "Taste Freedom"

When I enter into the silence

With my eyes closed

My breathing slows

Stillness lumbers into my bones

As the twitching of my muscles subsides

I sense the wrestling of my soul

I feel the majesty of the universe that surrounds me

I drink from the well of hope and love

As fear, doubt, and loneliness

seeps out from within

It's in those moments that

I

know

I am not alone

I am amongst

my family of humankind

Ghosts of humanity

as the spirits of the animals

dance amongst us

the birds sing

our heartbeats thump in unison

a common drumbeat

for our souls to

taste freedom

as

the earth holds us tightly

to her bosom

and the wind

carries all our worries

into the infinity of

the universe.

I awaken to freedom.

As time moves along

My body awakens

to the starkness of my

humanity

Difference is my burden

My breathing quickens

Fear rushes in

My silent moments

All forgotten

It's my white brethren

And their maidens

Who and whom

shackle

my body

taint my mind

subjugate me to

their indifference

they take without asking

no thank you is afforded me

nor required according to them.

I enter into the silence

with my eyes closed

my breathing slows

stillness lumbers into my bones

as the twitching of my muscles subsides.

I awaken to freedom.

10/21/2011