1,000 Cranes - The Innocence of My Son, 'I Wish You Happiness...'

1,000 Cranes.  I had been fired from my job because I couldn’t condone making up services numbers on a project, so I was told my services were no longer needed, nor necessary.   I was fired.  No unemployment.  No prospects.  I stood up for what I believed in, yet it was with an outcome that I didn’t expect.  I began to do manual labor.  I painted apartments for my landlord to cover the costs of rent.  I was on public assistance, again.  It was a difficult time.  I was heavy with worry a lot of the time.  I was hurt emotionally from the experience.  A graduate education didn’t matter cause I was beginning again.  I don’t lay my adult worries on my son, but he watched me.  I came home one day from painting and Sonny was doing origami.  He was watching Youtube and learning to fold cranes.  I commented on how beautiful they were.  A few days later, he was still at it.  His little 9 year old hands were folding paper, creasing, and meticulously making cranes.  I asked why he was doing this.  I figured it was to decorate his room.  No it wasn’t.  He told me the story about a Japanese legend that if he folded 1,000 cranes that he’d be granted a wish.  His wish was that I’d be happy again and I wouldn’t have to worry all the time about money, food, rent, lights, gas, and how I was gonna get what he needed.  I was stunned.  I then sobbed when I heard this and held him in my arms.  I reminded him things will get better.  Life just threw us a curveball.  I apologized for not being happy go lucky Mom that he needed.  I thanked him for his project.  His wish meant everything to me.  I got my wish when he was born.  And, this is one of the many reasons my son continues to amaze me…             

Yeah sure, I could’ve done it differently, but I didn't...Accepting 'mid-life' on its terms ain't easy.

Being present in this new stage of my life requires diligence.    It is me being diligent of not looking at my past with longing and trying to hold on.  It is me being diligent about not looking into my future with foreboding.  I may not be where I thought I was going to be, but I am where I need to be.  I listen to my Elders with anticipation.  I listen to the younger generation with awe.  For my contemporaries, I am witnessing a struggle.  I realize this may be my projecting my internal discourse.  I am witnessing people holding onto a time in their past when they were bold, confident, and inspiring with a desperate-ness.  They hold onto anger as a salve to cool fresh wounds from their past.  They struggle to forgive because letting go is likened to falling into an abyss.  Their unwillingness to accept life as it is may mean that they’ve given up.  I’m discovering my middle place (Middle Age) is exciting and continues to be filled with passion.  The changes my body is going through reminds me of my connection to creation.  Season change, so do I, and time will move along without any effort.                 

I Believe HE Exists -

 Kind, decent, committed man who enjoys family, spiritually orientated, recognizes love by demonstrating it, is thoughtful, never allows insecurity destroy, is vigilant to not allow someone to enter our relationship, finds new ways to be thoughtful and show love, doesn’t tear away at dignity, appreciates the crevices of my body, finds joy in getting old with me, and is the last face I wanna see when my time here is done.  I wanna be able to watch him.  Recognize his grace.  Understand his dignity.  Be proud.  Feel the gentle touch of his hand when he senses I’m suddenly afraid and I need him.  Holds me as I weep.  Reminds me that the darkness of the night is not terrifying.  Makes that time of day magical and not be dreaded.  Is strong enough to know that my pain is not bound to him, but from a life filled with lessons.  Understands my flashbacks then waits for me to return or helps guide me back to myself.  Whispering lovingly.  Calling my name.  Reminding me that love does exist.  And, I am enough.  Is a reminder that not all Men are violent, nor rape, nor take without consent, nor demand my behavior be in accordance with what he deems appropriate.  I wanna be in awe of him.  Majestic.  A love that has been waiting for me.  God made just for me.  Simply, breathtaking.  Beautiful.  I believe he exists.  

Do I haunt your hours...

Do I haunt your hours like you haunt mine?

Does your soul know the love I feel?

I speak of infinity.

When I am near you – I am in communion.

God incarnate. 

When I see you -

You are my opportunity to witness,

To hear,

To recognize,

To experience the fullness of being. 

When I am near you – I sense vulnerability under strength.

I recognize greatness.

I recognize our becoming.

My love for you is forged in the fire of adversity.

My birth was an opportunity to be with you.

Near you, I know only abundance.

I see the world – the amazing hues in between all the lines.

Our moments together are enough.

Do I haunt your hours like you haunt mine?

Does your soul know the love I feel?

I speak of infinity.

A Love to Match My Body

I am not meant to shrink into an ideal.
Of desirable images of what a man wants.
That which he is fed by mainstream media.
Popular notions he believes he needs.

I am built to be robust.
Wide to match the horizon.
Large to cause fear.
Stared at with awe.

Yes, I do taste as good as I look.
Don’t let the cool taste fool ya!

All my wet parts with complicated desires.
No. I ain’t gonna shrink to fit into an ideal.
I am not constructed for white girlz magazines.
I was built to be appreciated live-and-in-person.

All of me!

My love cannot fit into a tiny body.
It is meant to be amongst the starz.
Touched gently,
Gazed at longingly,
Counted amongst breathless moments.

A man’s desire needs to fit me.
Not the small space limited by his imagination.

I was built for a long journey,
Deep – Meaningful
A life of many lessons.

I’ll never go gently in the night.

I am meant
To be discovered by
A love
that matches God.

Truth telling.

     

Truth telling.  That is what I’ve discovered about writing.  For me it is about - Truth telling.  Truth telling about my journey.  Our journey.  My life.  Our collective plight of survival.  Truth ain’t easy.  Truth needs to be told.  Truth breaks the shackles that bind me.  Truth lightens the load I’ve carried a long while.  Truth is meant to uncover.  Truth is meant to tell on myself.  Truth is meant to inspire.  Truth is free.  Truth. 

Writing truth about my moments - The burden of having my childhood body assaulted by men, again and again.  The shame I bore when another man physically abused me.  When I believed him that I was worth nothing, ugly, and I needed to be grateful for his kindness.  The silence I endured after rape.  The blame I hold onto because of all these experiences.  I came to understand the ugly reality that ‘‘hurt’ people, ‘hurt people’”.  Also, the sweet release of forgiveness and letting go.  The truth about me hobbling my life back together after these experiences with a sense of loss and letting go of childhood dreams.  The burden of standing tall, proud, and with dignity while hiding me.  And, the moment I fell in love with my son as a newborn baby.  My moment of realization - I had to get us away.  I couldn’t have him witness me being beaten and my spirit taken.  The day I fell to my knees, I couldn’t bear the weight any longer, and I realized the grace of God.  I was harrowed when I felt the love of God.  Now, I appreciate the humbleness I feel in creation.  How I am in complete awe of it.  All these moments of my life are meant for me to discover me.  I had to reclaim my body.  I had to understand my journey.  I had to actively participate in my life.  Also, I had to come to realize the amazing people who have held me together along the way – Some quietly. Some gently.  Some softly reminding me of my worth.  Some forcefully.  Some lovingly.  Some by sheer will holding onto me cause I was disappearing.  It is with this truth that I tell.  The truth about living my life.  I still believe in the magic of love.  I still have enough hope to fill oceans.  I have lots of dreams that I still gotta do.  It’s been an incredible journey so far, and I’m here, so come on let’s get to livin’…