Sunday, December 18, 2011

Poetry: "I Deserve THE BEST Not Just Better"

I have given myself willing
To mindless men
A quivering notion of myself
I believed they were the best I'd ever get
I’d hope beyond hope they'd stay

I didn't know
Couldn’t discern
ask or demand
or know any better
about myself

I had no agency
I had no personal value
At least, not enough to believe
I deserved the best

Throughout each story, I grew
I became more of me than I'd ever known

Cautionary tales and stories that began
With a tumultuous beginning
and end with
Them leaving, Me begging, Me pleading,
Sometimes, I'd do the leaving
With the end being the same
My Body riddled
My Mind Scorned and
My Spirit Worn

I begged and pleaded
Why not me?
Love Me?
Am I not enough?

I deserve more, The BEST not just better

Yet I’d return again
I’d succumb to another tragic tale
Lain open for discovery
For Yet another Man
A Man-child who did not know
His own shadow
Shadows he ran from
Shadows that followed him
Shadows that told his secrets
Describing his desires he’s kept hidden

I believed their words
And fallen for ‘Their Game’
Utterances of kindness
Tales of a life together
Dreams that were shared
All painted for me across the tapestry of the sky

They satiated my lonely soul
They fed my longing for a connection
Any connection

Until they left, then I am alone yet again

In my silent moments
Amongst my tears and broken dreams
I'd find myself under the carnage of my desperate mind
Trapped by my own insecurity
With the rife stench of my carelessness
I pushed and pulled myself out of the wreckage of my own making
I'd discover myself a little lighter, a little brighter
Cause I knew and began to believe:
I deserve more, the BEST not just better

I began to taste the savoriness of knowing this
As the bitterness of those lessons were new:
I deserve more, The BEST not just better

I’d began the tireless work of my introspection
Dissecting my histories
Healing my old wounds
Owning my stories
Understanding my journey

As I learned to nurture myself
I discovered a kernel of truth:
I deserve The BEST not just better

In my quest of unraveling and discovery
I’d stumble upon doubt
Uncovering old tapes that chimed –
“You’re nothing”,
“You’re ugly”
“Who’d want you anyway?”

Heeding those words
I’d begin another story
Another desperate tale of woe and seeking
I’d succumb to another mindless man-child
Our bodies writhing only with desire
I believed that this was it
I confused touch and love, yet again
He’d embody a dream that was not ours to live
I failed to recognize this lesson and the manifestations of idolatry

I deserve the best not just better,
A distant mantra from someone else

The denouement of my story often went:
Me reeking of desperation
Me getting smacked with the back of hand
Me being drug by my hair
Me getting kicked in the stomach

I deserve the best not just better,
Empty words that someone else discovered

The story would end the same:
He’d leave with stolen things along with my sense of safety
He walked out with my dignity and my dreams
Unbeknownst to him our dreams were bound by my sacred coven
Leaving me to wonder why?
I believed he loved me
Because He said so, as tears slid down his face
And he spoke in a determined voice that rendered me mindless

Amongst the litany of men, is and was my salvation
My peace of knowing and ultimately believing:

I deserve the best not just better.

December 18, 2011
January 5, 2013

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