Games Men Play: An Aha Moment

I flung my prayer to heaven and it rained love.

I ran into Elvis* last night and he poured out his unyielding love for me. He described his attempts at getting my attention. He was angry that I turned him down. I heard his angst. I stood there and took it. He jabbed, to the left - to the right. I tried apologizing but he didn't want to hear it. I tried to say let's give it another try but he wasn't going to have it.

When I realized he was aiming to hurt me and make me feel bad. I checked myself out. His partner in this effort was my neighbor – Angela. I stopped. I realized the madness that was standing before me. So...I encouraged them to get together. Get to know each other. I didn't want any part of it. I walked away.

Elvis ran after me. I gently nudged him aside and told him it was ok. He could leave with her. No harm, no foul. He wanted me to feel bad. It made me wonder if he heard my prayer earlier.

Earlier in the evening, at Peavy Plaza, I stood listening to a band sing a song about love does live here and it will come along. It blared through the speakers. A sign, meant for me. An 'aha moment'. I heard it God! LOL I giggled. I knew everything was ok. My prayer was officially heard.

Needless to say, I gave Elvis my number but he threw it down as he stomped out. It was his last act of hurt. He was going to hurt me regardless. I wasn't engaging with him. I just picked up the paper then threw it away. Whatever, loser...

I imagine what could have happened if I was with Elvis but I knew. I know, I don't want to meet someone at a bar. I want someone to take me to dinner. Let's do grown up things. Let's get to know each other. Let's not pretend. I lived in my truth.

After his outburst, I went to the Saloon and danced. I danced alone. I danced with strangers. I danced. I didn't need someone to define me. I wanted to dance. I danced.

At the end of the night I said a prayer of thanksgiving. I hear you god. Thank you for the strength to keep my life in order. Truthfully...

*Note:  Seriously, his name is Elvis.  He is an African American man from New Orleans, LA

Cutty Bitch! : DO Not Engage in Destructive Behavior

It amazes me that individuals who I believe are my friends or disguise themselves as such, reach out when I am feeling good about myself and work their darnedest to knock me down. It is a sly statement here. The slithering comment there. “Nice outfit.", “Oh, you look ok.”, “I wouldn't wear that.” “Seriously, what are you wearing?”, "Who would want you?" and "You look old."

They work tirelessly til I feel insecure and feel off. They revel in my feeling bad about myself. It is strange – when I am on the ground gasping for air and pleading to god, they feel stronger. Metaphorically speaking. They've officially taken away my essence. Here is the fucked up part, I gave it willingly.

Self esteem, self worth, myself has nothing to do with anyone else but ME. Here is the nature of our reality, we are social creatures. We use the outside world to reflect back to us what we don't see. We listen to what people say. I don't believe it is bad. I believe, I have to be careful of who I surround myself with. 

A reminder:

Hurt people, hurt people.

We don't hurt strangers, we hurt those we love.

We willingly engage in relationship with people. When someone uses you to make themselves feel better about themselves then you get to decide. Decide to participate, or not.

I've learned to not. When someone needs to feel better about themselves then I encourage them to look inward to find their strength. I encourage them to do the work of caring for themselves. I encourage them to connect with what they believe and love. That is the place where you will generate your own power.

The next time you are feeling insecure about yourself then stop and spend time alone. Reconnect with yourself. If you make your insecure self available to destructive people then you will be feel used.

If you are feeling doubt about how you look. Affirm yourself. If you are feeling like your partner has a wandering eyes then let them know. If the relationship is done. Let it be done. If you are feeling like you are lacking in physical wealth then realize what you have. Take an inventory.

Looking outside of yourself for affirmation is a double edged sword. It can cut you as it cuts them. You will bleed your power as they bleed. Now is it really worth it?

No.

I've learned to be aware of who I surround myself. I've learned to know myself enough when I need to be alone. I've learned to forgive myself when I inadvertently reached out to the wrong people. I walk away and don't engage.

Life is soooo short. Why would I spend it in a destructive cycle when I can live a full, rich life. I don't believe God hurts us. God shows us that we generate our own power. A profound connection. God=Me... That is when everything comes together. Prayers are answered. Life lived.