Trapped in their reflection: Beauty

I've known beautiful people. When you look upon them they draw up envy. They seduce you into believing their beauty has afforded them a good life. They have you believe, if only...

What is magnificent about beauty is external beauty and internal beauty are distinct. Some beautiful people have relied heavily on their external appearance they have not developed their own vocabulary. They use other peoples words to describe themselves. They fall in love with themselves using those words and shine.

I've never had a problem wondering if I was beautiful. I'm unusual looking. I'm distinct. I'm ordinary when I'm around my family.  I look like people from home. I've come to know this after many hours in the mirror and in therapy.  I'm a work in progress...

People never fawned over how beautiful I am. Besides the crazy person using a lame pick up line, no one has stopped in their tracks and regarded me as stunning. I don't feel bad about this. It's just not my experience in this life time.

I appreciate beauty. Beauty in all its forms. Young, old, robust, graceful, distinct, unusual, fascinating... I look at people's eyes and if there is a spark then I stop in my tracks. I've seen so many people who lack that spark. They wander aimlessly in their life. Those with 'the spark' I know are there. They are alive.

When I open a magazine and see all these young people, I pray and hope that they will get past this time in their life. This contrived time. A fantasy for the masses.  That moment. It does pass.

What I find beautiful now as I've gotten older is much different than what I found when I was younger. There is an appreciation to it. A depth.  Experience.  When you are able to care for your kids, your partner, and have enough gumption and verve to put yourself together – you are beautiful.

I had a moment when Sonny was 2 years old. I was on a trip to DC and had a quiet moment. I stared at myself in the mirror. My hair was spent mostly in a bun so it was in disarray. My eyebrows had become one. I'd gained weight. The person that stood there wasn't the person I knew. I had to learn to accept my life as an adult. A parent. A caretaker of another human being.

When I see my beautiful friends and I realize how much they are caught up in their beauty, I feel sorry for them. We age. Gravity gets a hold of us all. This shell of a body does not last. I encourage them to develop a deeper sense of themselves so they can endure this reality.

My advice is...don't compare yourself to others. Appreciate yourself for who you are. Appreciate every wrinkle and know that it was earned. Wrinkles from the worry if your child is going to be ok.  Wrinkles that surround your mouth because of the many smiles you've given to your child and laughter you've shared.  Those kisses they need to endure the world around them.  

Take care of your body. We only get one chance at it. I work everyday at caring for mine.

Beauty has many sides – work on them all. Inside and outside. Physical, mental, spiritual. All aspects of them people see. They sense it when you walk in the room. If you haven't done it, taking care of yourself, then you'll know. It will take extra energy to be out there. Stop! Fix it! Shine!

How could I let anyone love me when I didn't love myself?

It's not that I didn't try. I've read every self help book available to mankind. I tried self love. I stayed in those quiet moments but nothing. I hugged myself better. I cried all that sourness from my soul. I forgave. I let go. I breathed.

When you spend so much of your time pleasing people and trying to make them happy then you lose yourself. You lose the essence of who you are. When they've gone on with their lives then you are left to figure yourself out. You don't hear their voices telling you what to do. You hear your own. You hear your longings. You hear your knowledge.

Coming to terms with all of that is tough. Standing in who you are takes energy and strength. Somewhere, somehow you find it. Divine grace. You become you.

I've been blessed with many people who have carried me along when I couldn't. They dreamed for me when I couldn't. They saw past all of what I was. They knew my spark. For that I am grateful. I know now without them I wouldn't know me.

A painful childhood, a young adulthood searching, a period of confusion, then silence. I can say there were men throughout this time that helped me but that wouldn't be true. Those men reflected back to me what I believed I was. They were me. They were reaching for being loved.

I look now down into the future and I am afraid. Not because of not feeling confident but childish trepidation. First steps into a vast unknown. My unknown. My life.

I excited by life's possibilities, of what it brings. The dreams that have not been realized. The possibilities that lay about. I know possible.

So many people have been around me to help me. They are still there. They believe in me. They love me. I believe in me. I love me...Finally!