I Become Vigilant

When I write about the ugliness of what has happened to me, then please know and understand: Without those experiences I WOULD NOT know Joy, Happiness, Contentment, and Love.

It is when I look into my minds dark places, where secrets reside and untold truths are bound by shame, I am able dismantle them. I pay my respects to that part of my journey. I keep what is necessary in those experiences. I let go of the rest. 

Ultimately, my telling these stories is a part of my healing journey. By writing about them enables me to release the heaviness and burden.  I am no longer shackled by the shame, fear, and silence.  I let go of them back into the Universe.   I pray never to harm another...

It is my hope that I will never have to experience those life lessons again. They become a part of my past.  They become a foundation to who I am.  By understanding this process then I ensure they do not rob me of my humanity, kindness, and spirit. 

 

I write those stories to inspire those who need it.  I write to give hope to those who need it.  Especially, when the darkness descends...

What I know is this - I am responsible for my own healing and the affect of those lessons on my life.  I need to remain attuned to them so I become vigilant to never repeat them.  So I write!

Poetry: "A Dream of a Time and Place"

In the solitude

of my room

I would look out

unto

the expansive prairie

I watched

The light brown wheat

as they danced in the wind

The evergreen trees

as they bowed

along the horizon

just beyond the hills

I dreamed of a time and place

I hoped beyond hope

Prayed for saving,

Begged God,

Creator,

The Universe,

or anyone who'd listen

to my silence

I dreamed of a time and place

Beyond this circumstance

A place

I could be

Different

Safe

Comforted

Whole

and

Pain Free

The flimsy wooden door

holds back yet another

drunken man

Another man who

took me for

his sick

sexual pleasure.

A knife hidden

Used to lock the flimsy door

Too late – I'm awoken to terror

I didn't yearn nor want

Stank beer breathe

Fumbling in the dark

Demands

Urgings

Pain

The darkness would descend

I would dream of a time and place

Beyond this circumstance

I'd hope beyond hope

I could be there

Be Safe

Comforted

Whole

and

Pain Free

How could the dead dream?

I'd wonder

I could covet these dreams!

I'd resolve

Hide them from discovery

My dreams

My sincerity

My sacredness

Once I found that place and time

Circumstance

Safety

Wholeness

Pain Free

I now tell that truth

It drips off my soul

Slithers off my body

Festering old wounds

Healing

I tell those stories

Secrets I held

Stories I've kept hidden

For the universe to claim

The burden is not mine

alone any longer

I dreamed of a place

beyond that circumstance

of a time

that I'd

be safe

pain free

comforted

and

whole

And I AM HERE...

January 1, 2013