Friday, December 28, 2012

Games Men Play: A Prayer Answered

I flung my prayers to heaven and it rained love.

I ran into Elvis* last night and he poured out his unyielding love for me. He described his attempts at getting my attention. He was angry that I turned him down. I heard his angst. I stood there and took it. He jabbed, to the left - to the right. I tried apologizing but he didn't want to hear it. I tried to say let's give it another try but he wasn't going to have it.

When I realized he was aiming to hurt me and make me feel bad. I checked myself out. His partner in this effort was my neighbor – Angela. I stopped. I realized the madness that was standing before me. So...I encouraged them to get together. Get to know each other. I didn't want any part of it. I walked away.

Elvis ran after me. I gently nudged him aside and told him it was ok. He could leave with her. No harm, no foul. He wanted me to feel bad. It made me wonder if he heard my prayer earlier.

Earlier in the evening, at Peavy Plaza, I stood listening to a band sing a song about love does live here and it will come along. It blarred through the speakers. A sign, meant for me. An ah-ha moment. I heard it God. LOL I giggled. I knew everything was ok. My prayer was officially heard.

Needless to say, I gave Elvis my number but he threw it down as he stomped out. It was his last act of hurt. He was going to hurt me regardless. I wasn't engaging with him. I just picked up the paper then threw it away. Whatever, loser.

I imagine what would have happened if I engaged with Elvis but I knew. I know, I don't want to meet someone at a bar. I want someone to take me to dinner. Let's do grown up things. Let's get to know each other. Let's not pretend. I lived in my truth.

After his outburst, I went to the Saloon and danced. I danced alone. I danced with strangers. I danced. I didn't need someone to define me. I wanted to dance. I danced.

At the end of the night I said a prayer of thanksgiving. I hear you god. Thank you for the strength to keep my life in order. Truthfully...

*Note:  Seriously, his name is Elvis.  An African American man from New Orleans, LA.  

Poetry: "All We Have" - Carlos Andres Gomez

all we have 
carlos andres gomez

"….We live obese on the fatness of grief. We learned to improvise... Our people where never stolen. We were never your slaves. Write it on our graves. Black, brown, indigenous, mastesos, latino – carve it in your textbooks. We were never your salves just reluctant martyrs....and we are the ones who birthed it and we nicknamed it, God."

Poetry: "Hey Mr. White Man"

You've conquered the world over
Never without shame

You walk in the world without fear
Stand with pride – as a conqueror

Indigenous women are yours for the taking
indigenous children are yours for your delight

Shame is what you leave
in your wake
many lands

Fear is what you inspire
Submission is your ultimate goal

The rhythm in my bones
As my past demands recognition
The past that resides in my essence

Nothing more can be taken
Mr. White Man
Nothing left for you nor White Women
To take

My spirit is my own
My God is hidden from you


My hips gyrate
Shaking off memories

My feet reconnect
with the earth
reminding me of my connection

my arms flail
to release all my desires
my body
my mind
can not contain
what you've left

This drumbeat reminds me of
an ancestral past
it still
rattles in my bones

Ancestral voices
swell in my chest

Voices that
begin with a yelp
escape into
the universe
finding its place
in my world
once again

Hey Mr White Man
Touched the sky once again...



Thursday, December 27, 2012

2012 - A Year of Reflection, Reconciliation, and Honoring

Yes.  I know.  I know.  I know.  It's been nearly a year since I've posted a blog. 

What's been going on? Well. My biggest supporter and champion died on November 3, 2011 – RIP "Mommy" Darlene Rose Kills In Water Metcalf.

My Mother is and will continue to be core to who I am.

Amongst the many things I've learned over this last year is, I relied heavily on my Mother's strength, wisdom, and her uncanny ability to help me keep things in perspective. Hence, during this emotional upheaval I needed to find my footing once again so I took a break. I needed private space.  I wanted private time to reconcile my thoughts, feel lost, be confused, and be sad.  Ultimately, I had to learn how to honor my Mother - her life, her lessons, and her legacy. 

Don't worry throughout the year I've continued to write. Not with the same fervor or dedication as before, but I wrote cause I needed it. Some days my writing sessions included lots of crying.  Some sessions included me being fucking mad, begging for reconciliation and asking why, but I wrote regardless. I allowed emotions to ooze out of me.

Interestingly, I narrowed my “Friends” list on Facebook.  I removed people that I felt were detrimental to me or whom I felt did not have my best interest at heart. I deleted those who didn't know me. I felt enormously vulnerable and raw.

In this past year, I did not want strangers or unfamiliar people around me.  I yearned to be around people that I felt 'safe' with.  They included individuals who at some point in my life; protected me, guided me, or provided me with support.  They were the ones who I felt most comfortable with knowing what was emotionally going on with me.

In 2012, I only did a couple of public speaking engagements. Thank goodness. I honored those engagements that I made before my Mother died.  I didn't add any public presentations until after her 1 year anniversary. Traditionally, we are allowed a year of mourning.  I took mine and needed it.

Throughout this year, this song is something that I played a lot.

This song reminds me of the tender moments I had with my mother.  I recall struggling to understand what was going on to me, learning to be in my young body, and dreaming of a time when I wouldn't know pain.  It was during those intimate moments that my Mother would remind me that 'I was Special' and 'Nothing was wrong with me'.

In my mind, my mother was a giant and could do anything.  She could scare away the boogie man.  From my perspective, my mom was an ominous being that the boogie man wouldn't reckon with.  They wouldn't dare.

As I grew older and when I would stumble into this place again, she would remind me to dream big and that the world was a big place.  She shared her excitement to discover it.  She urged me to move so she could come visit me and get away.  It took me until after her death to understand these urgings were her desire and wanting her children to experience the world. 

In her urgings for me to leave the reservation, she told me that there were people out in the world that were 'like me'.  She assured me that being different wasn't bad.  I held unto those words until I met them.  When I heard this song it brought me back to these moments.    

Today, these are the reflections of my time with my Mother.  Oh, there are so many more memories that I have of our time together and I can't wait to tell you them.  She loved it when I wrote about her and she enjoyed reading about my life, my adventures, and my journey.   

What I know is:  My mother is an incredible human being who dared to be a frail.  It was her recognition of her frailty that she found commonality with people.  She connected with them in deep and meaningful ways.

I'm glad I got a chance to tell her,  "Thank you for being my Mom".   

What I've come to know and understand is that I can honor my Mother by continuing to follow her advice:
  • Live my life.
  • Be happy.
  • Do only things that bring me joy.
  • Pray.
  • Pray, again.  
  • Find love and be in love.
  • Dance like no one is watching.
  • Life is short so I gotta live it.  
  • Family is everything.
  • Caring for community is essential.
  • Helping the People is who we are. 
It is with her courage, determination, and inspiration that I will continue to live my life...

I'm looking forward to 2013.