Thursday, December 27, 2012

2012 - A Year of Reflection, Reconciliation, and Honoring

Yes.  I know.  I know.  I know.  It's been nearly a year since I've posted a blog. 

What's been going on? Well. My biggest supporter and champion died on November 3, 2011 – RIP "Mommy" Darlene Rose Kills In Water Metcalf.

My Mother is and will continue to be core to who I am.

Amongst the many things I've learned over this last year is, I relied heavily on my Mother's strength, wisdom, and her uncanny ability to help me keep things in perspective. Hence, during this emotional upheaval I needed to find my footing once again so I took a break. I needed private space.  I wanted private time to reconcile my thoughts, feel lost, be confused, and be sad.  Ultimately, I had to learn how to honor my Mother - her life, her lessons, and her legacy. 

Don't worry throughout the year I've continued to write. Not with the same fervor or dedication as before, but I wrote cause I needed it. Some days my writing sessions included lots of crying.  Some sessions included me being fucking mad, begging for reconciliation and asking why, but I wrote regardless. I allowed emotions to ooze out of me.

Interestingly, I narrowed my “Friends” list on Facebook.  I removed people that I felt were detrimental to me or whom I felt did not have my best interest at heart. I deleted those who didn't know me. I felt enormously vulnerable and raw.

In this past year, I did not want strangers or unfamiliar people around me.  I yearned to be around people that I felt 'safe' with.  They included individuals who at some point in my life; protected me, guided me, or provided me with support.  They were the ones who I felt most comfortable with knowing what was emotionally going on with me.

In 2012, I only did a couple of public speaking engagements. Thank goodness. I honored those engagements that I made before my Mother died.  I didn't add any public presentations until after her 1 year anniversary. Traditionally, we are allowed a year of mourning.  I took mine and needed it.

Throughout this year, this song is something that I played a lot.

This song reminds me of the tender moments I had with my mother.  I recall struggling to understand what was going on to me, learning to be in my young body, and dreaming of a time when I wouldn't know pain.  It was during those intimate moments that my Mother would remind me that 'I was Special' and 'Nothing was wrong with me'.

In my mind, my mother was a giant and could do anything.  She could scare away the boogie man.  From my perspective, my mom was an ominous being that the boogie man wouldn't reckon with.  They wouldn't dare.

As I grew older and when I would stumble into this place again, she would remind me to dream big and that the world was a big place.  She shared her excitement to discover it.  She urged me to move so she could come visit me and get away.  It took me until after her death to understand these urgings were her desire and wanting her children to experience the world. 

In her urgings for me to leave the reservation, she told me that there were people out in the world that were 'like me'.  She assured me that being different wasn't bad.  I held unto those words until I met them.  When I heard this song it brought me back to these moments.    

Today, these are the reflections of my time with my Mother.  Oh, there are so many more memories that I have of our time together and I can't wait to tell you them.  She loved it when I wrote about her and she enjoyed reading about my life, my adventures, and my journey.   

What I know is:  My mother is an incredible human being who dared to be a frail.  It was her recognition of her frailty that she found commonality with people.  She connected with them in deep and meaningful ways.

I'm glad I got a chance to tell her,  "Thank you for being my Mom".   

What I've come to know and understand is that I can honor my Mother by continuing to follow her advice:
  • Live my life.
  • Be happy.
  • Do only things that bring me joy.
  • Pray.
  • Pray, again.  
  • Find love and be in love.
  • Dance like no one is watching.
  • Life is short so I gotta live it.  
  • Family is everything.
  • Caring for community is essential.
  • Helping the People is who we are. 
It is with her courage, determination, and inspiration that I will continue to live my life...

I'm looking forward to 2013.

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