Tuesday, July 26, 2011

She's No Different Than Me: The Whore and I

You know her. She walks the streets glancing at cars. She looks haggard. She looks like she needs to rest awhile. She has an air of desperation about her. She's dressed in clothes that are too tight, hair pulled back, way to much make-up on for an early morning walk, and heels. There is a hardness to her. Life hasn't been good to her.

You know if she doesn't make her money there are consequences. Her pimp will beat her. Will threaten her. Force her to have sex for money. Ultimately, humiliate her. Another day in the seedy parts of America.

I think about her journey and mine. How are they related? How with different decisions and choices, I could be her. How when sex has no value because it was taken so often without your consent you learn- it's just another person. You hope for it to pass.  You want it to be over, quickly.

I know the desperation of having someone to connect with. Someone to ease the pain. Someone to shield you from your guilt. Someone who understands the confusion.  Someone to show you salvation. Someone to save you when you don't know how to save yourself.

Sex for a survivor of sexual abuse and sexual assault is different. Sex has a different meaning. Sex is complicated.  

In the trauma of sexual abuse - You learn to disconnect from your body. You let your mind wander into a sacred space as your body is being taken. You turn off the pleasurable notions of it. You wait for it to pass.

You have to relearn the beauty of sex.

Trust and value is something that has to be regained. Trust in people you are intimate with. Value for yourself. It's an arduous process of reclamation. You falter at times. You pray for guidance. You know there is someone who will not violate you in those ways. You believe.  Believe when there isn't anything to believe in.

When your intimate partner gets to close, you reel. You push them away. Physically and emotionally, you need distance from them. It's a smell, a movement, a touch that has you flashing back to those darker moments and times. Unless you know what is going on, you run away from them as quickly as possible. I know, I've destroyed relationships when I didn't know what was happening.

I'm grateful for the people who helped me.  They supported me with love and affirmations when I was coming to terms with these experiences in my life.  They loved me unconditionally.  I'm grateful they supported me along this journey. They were kind to me. They treated me special when I was so broken. They believed in me when I was confused.

They treated me like I had value when I gave myself willingly because years of abuse.  Through discovery I figured out you only know how to re-victimize yourself.  It's familiar.  You know it.  You have to find your way out of the darkness.  You can hear those affirming voices and they lead you out of the depths of your own despair. 

Healing is a life long process. I know this. Memories come and go, unexpectedly. I'm learning to manage them, all the time. I can't say they've all gone away. They are still there. I've let go. I've forgiven myself. I've forgiven them.

What's the difference between me and her. Nothing. I could have been her.  It is because of the people who surrounded me and loved me. The countless hours in therapy. The tears from pain.  The hurt from trying to sort things out.  Ultimately, it was these people who taught me to love myself.

Sex had value. Love doesn't always equal pain. The innate knowing, I am somebody.

We both know of the sacred place in our minds. The place we commune with God. The place we knew to escape to because a human being was reaching in to take our soul. We knew God was there to save us.  We knew God was there with us.  

When I see her, I say a prayer. I wish her well. I hope she finds her way.

With all this said, I know the whore and my life is no different from one another. We made different choices. I could be her. She could be me. I'm thoughtful about this.

I treat people how I'd like to be treated. Kindness. Respect. Value. Integrity. Honestly. I expect the same in return....XOXO, Nick

No comments:

Post a Comment