Sunday, June 12, 2011

Rage against the Bitterness

I've known the sweetness of love. I've known the excitement. The butterflies. The periods of time that pass so quickly you want to savor them. The tingle of their touch. The awe of their presence.

I don't believe I'm done with LOVE. I know and believe to my core God has prepared me to appreciate it. I've known pain and hurt at the hands of men. I've also known completeness.

When people ask me if I am dating someone or am I interested in someone, I reply, no. I've come to believe when I interfere with God's work then my humanness gets in the way.

I've grown more practical in matters of the heart. I have enough experience to know BS when I sense it. I don't allow myself to participate in it. I know when I'm feeling desperate or needy – I usually stay home to read, watch a movie, write, and spend time by myself.

I've known romantic love and the love of a partner. I miss it at times. The safety, the security, the sense of belonging... I just make sure those emotions don't interfere. I have gotten confused. It is during this time that lousy, low down individuals show up. I have to extract them from my life. Get refocused. Believe.

I've spent time atoning for my youthful frivolity when men offered a relationship. I reached out to them to reconnect. I sat and listened to their anger. Their longings for our future. I apologized. Accepted my responsibility in the demise.  In the end, they are profoundly happy. Many are in a committed relationship or have gotten married.

These men presented themselves to me during a confusing time for me. A time when I didn't know my head sat ( | ) above me ass. I am grateful for their presence in my life because they taught me. They loved me when I didn't believe I was loveable.

I may tease about finding love or not. I may disregard my friends statements of me needing to find someone. I know, I'm not bitter. I enjoy the attention of men. I've been lucky. I've been able to experience this.

I know there is someone out in the universe for me. I'm not going to sit and wait at home for him. I'm going to live my life. I will meet him soon enough. I can't ponder nor worry about such things because it is out my control. I have faith God's got this one.

With all that said, I do rage against the bitterness. I am not lonely or feel alone. I am a full and complete person all by myself. XOXO, Nick

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