When I was younger I would spend a lot of my time and energy being friends with all sorts of people. Eventually I had to learn what I could cope with and what I could have in my life. I don't have the same amount of time and energy. I've learned what and whom I am capable of having in my life.
This is my short list of people who get edited out of my life:
Drama Queen / King – If you thrive on drama and enjoy that kind of excitement then PLEASE go. I've been in crazy relationships where I would run to help and support them then I'd find myself becoming a villain in their story. Not because of anything I said but because I provided support to a detrimental relationship (lovers or friends). I can love from afar and do not need to be in the middle. It is always my hope that they come to understand the chaos they create.
Gossips – I don't appreciate people who tell horrible things about someone just to feel better about themselves. If we have a mutual friend in common and you believe I can help then please share what is going on. If you believe I can be helpful by giving a call or spending time with them then I'm usually game. If you talk about someone just to feed your inadequacy then please keep it to yourself. I believe no one benefits when someone is standing over someone or kicking them while they are down.
Manipulative – If you are someone who believes you are a character in a Soap Opera and your role is to influence people so they engage in destructive behavior then lose my number. I've known people who insert themselves in situations or create circumstances that they have no business doing. Upon reflection, in my opinion they thrive on people feeling insecure, distrusting each other, feeling anxious, and anger. By creating a chaotic environment they are in the power position and they believe they are saving people or somehow helping them. When I meet these people and realize what they are doing then I run, quickly.
Untrustworthy - If I tell you something in confidence then I believe you are being a friend. I have learned that trust is a two way street. If you violate my confidence then I am never going to tell you my private thoughts again. We can be friendly but do not assume that I am going to share my moments of angst, insecurity, longings, and inadequacy. You officially ARE NOT a safe person.
Narcissist– If our conversations only consist of you talking about yourself then don't bother. I DO NOT get paid to be your friend. Friendships are a type of relationship that require mutual support. I want just as much time to share my life as I give you. I'm not keeping score but I know myself well enough and if you are not a person I call when things are going awry then you've fallen outside of my small circle of friends.
Abuser – Verbal or physical. I do not tolerate this behavior from anyone close to me. I've struggled with this behavior being directed at me so I've developed a sense of personal safety that I enjoy. I know what behaviors that I consider safe and what I can be around. I make sure I do not associate with individuals who deliberately seek to be verbally and physically abusive. I am not a fighter so I will not subject myself to scenes where I have to call upon those skills.
Not Self-Aware – I spend time being reflective. I spend time learning about myself and the world around me. It truly is something I enjoy. If you are just getting by in life and don't understand why you are doing what you do then we will not get along. I believe it is important to be self reflective and aware.
I don't use the word “Friend” casually. I've learned my friends have my back. They are the people I call upon when I am in crisis. It is their advice I seek when I need to understand something. I trust them implicitly. They are the people I want around me when I celebrate an accomplishment. I want to be a part of their journey in this life. I want to show them as much devotion as they show me. Friendships require time and energy.
With all that said, I'm a friendly person and am always looking for a friend but don't get it twisted. I know who I want to be around. If you meet any of the qualities in the list above then I'll save you the effort, we won't get along. No harm. No foul.
I believe when people interact they generate energy for themselves, each other, and the world around them. It takes effort to maintain my energy. I've learned the qualities in the list above take away my energy. I choose to be in a relationship that I can thrive in than one that takes me down.
Life is about your experience not anyone else. You control and manage who is in your life. You have the right to have people you want there. If someone is being destructive to you then I'd suggest you seriously consider deleting them out of your life. I know I have....