Saturday, April 30, 2011

Living Incoherent Discordant Lives: Telling the Truth About What Happened and Healing

What I've come to know is that I have learned to live my life - fully, coherently, and in harmony with all my selves. I've spent many years living different lives. My emotional life being kept away from people so they didn't know I was hurting.

As a survivor of sexual abuse and assault it is your silence that does not hold your perpertrator accountable nor does it allow your healing. I have to come to a place where I can speak my truth. I can talk about what happened to me. I am able to honestly say this is what happened to me. This is how I survived. I don't speak this ugiliness into the world for pity nor sympathy. I speak it into the world so it doesn't lay hidden in my psyche nor will it have the power to render me useless.

When you allow abuse to go unnoticed it invites so many other types of abuse in. It is 'the silence' and 'the secrecy' that it thrives on. When sexual abuse took my youth it then invited in emotional abuse. As I staggered to stand I was taken down by a sexual assault. I lay there thinking what else could happen when the physical abuse stood over me kicking what I had left. I awoke to a bottle of booze and a deep need to forget what happened. If I acted like nothing happened and I ignored it then it didn't.

Needless to say, the day does come. The day of your own reckoning. The day you ask yourself, “Do I want to live like this?”. You get a choice.

Healing and forgiving is not forgetting. All that ugliness seeps back into your life. Sometime it is when you are not looking. When you are laughing and enjoying the world. A familiar figure reemerges into your life. Someone who treated you in familiar ways. You are confused and wander with them to find yourself back where you began. Don't fret. Forgive yourself. Dust your ass off. Stand tall. Say a prayer. Move on.

When someone comes along who does treat you right. You are suspect. They may say things to you that you believe are BS. You look at them with distrust. You are thinking to yourself - I got you. I know this story. I know how this will end. I will get you first. Needless to say, you were wrong.

All I can say is that if someone truly does love you, they will love you past and through all the hurt you've experienced. They know you. They know the essence of who you are. They will be your biggest champion. They aren't afraid when you are having a flashback. They are there to hold you when you cry. They help you understand that all humanity doesn't perpetrate hurt. It is with them you come to know what real love is. Love of a friend. Love of family. Love of a mate. Love.

So like I once told my therapist, “I know I'm fucked up. Just help me manage my fuckedupness.”

Throughout life we evolve and grow. Don't stop while you are in the midst of it. Keep moving along. I know I am.

I wake up most days knowing there is a kind, deliberate God who does have my back. I may not understand what is happening to me at that time so I pray for guidance or wisdom. I trust that things will turn out ok. I've already survived bad. Cause, Baby, I got some skills now on how to GET UP when you knock a bitch DOWN.

I wake up knowing love. I deliberately surround myself with people who I can trust and love. They are good in returning it. I run like hell from those who want to hurt me. I know now, life is about living. I know LOVING MY LIFE is the justice for all the abuse I've endured so get out of my way, I ain't done! XOXO

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