Thursday, February 17, 2011

Forgiveness and Holding On

The act of forgiving someone because they hurt you when no one has taught you how is hard. I learned to hold it in. I learned to smile my way through it. I learned to put it in the hands of the creator and let it go. Somehow and in someway it would seep back into my thoughts and my mind.

I've learned that the opposite of love is indifference not hate. Hate has an energy to it. Indifference is much like love but without the depth and breadth of it. It is a shrug of your shoulders and sweet release. When I hate someone it takes a lot of energy to maintain it and it takes away from my spirit.

Forgiveness is letting go of what happened. There is a deep understanding to it. A knowing that you have learned your lesson and can move on. It resonates in your soul.

How do you know you've forgiven?

What happens when you run into the person that hurt you after you forgive them?

I have felt nothing. I have felt gratitude for the lesson. I appreciate them as a person of the universe. I recognize them as human as well. Often times I don't feel anything toward them which means I've stopped engaging.

Forgiving yourself for making a mistake feels good. It is a release of pent up garbage. Those nasty thoughts that trail in – would if – could of – if only. Ultimately, those thoughts whittle away at your core beliefs about yourself – maybe if I was a nicer person – I am wrong for what happened. That is why ultimately forgive yourself first then forgive them for what occurred.

Holding on doesn't help anyone. They are living their lives and you are trapped in your private hell. You are beating yourself up about something that can be released. Understand your lesson, integrate it, forgive yourself, and move on.

There is so much joy, happiness, and laughter in the world. Believe me...I'd rather focus on that!

Gossip and Why Should You Care?

I knew the title would capture your attention but Really! What I know is that I know my own truth. I know my intentions. I know what I meant by what I was saying. I know that if I was wrong then I am grown up enough to say, “I'm sorry”.

People will continually say things about you and regardless of weather you like it or not, they will talk. I always tell people, “don't worry that people are talking about you – worry when they stop!” That means you are not living an interesting life.  Life is meant to be lived so live it baby..I got you!

There are those negative folks who thrive off of negativity. I don't understand it but hey! I'd rather focus on positive and productive things in life. If people are telling me something negative about someone I know then I'm concerned. If it is someone I know then I will pick up the phone and call. I will send an e-mail to check in. I want to make sure that they are OK. If it is some random stranger then I say a quiet prayer for them.

I remember reading about social control and how gossip is an important aspect of it. It regulates peoples behavior. It indicates to a group of people what social mores are ok. What is acceptable to the group. It keeps people in line and alienates those who don't.

I always found social control and gossip interesting because most of the people I knew and I was attracted to did not fit into any box. They challenged rules and marched for change. They are willing to be the only one. They have the courage to stand out. They have the courage to stand up.

I'm all for social control, laws and regulations but when it takes away people's power then it just ain't right! I want all my friends who live on the fringe to feel wanted and needed. I imagine it is rooted in a deep unresolved feeling like a social outcast growing up. I was never part of an “in group” or the “popular kids”. I was the awkward kid who hated where I was. As an adult I found people who were like me.

With all that said, “If you don't got anything good to say about someone then DO NOT sit by me!” Also, “Live your life as honestly as you know how to live it.” Finally, “Fuck 'em...”

What I've Been Up To Lately! Lessons From My BUSY Time....

I have chosen to live my life at a much slower pace over the past few years.  When my son was younger I was blindingly busy and on this committee and that effort, I got lost.  I lost the experience of being a parent.  I spent a lot of my time working on community initiatives, community projects, and whomever needed me.  I had to stop and reflect when I realized one day that I was not doing anyone justice.  Upon further reflection I realized that I did not have the capacity to be a good attentive parent when I didn't even know how.  Also, I met many children of activists and their stories troubled me.  I'll let them tell their tales of feeling abandoned, absentee parents, verbal abuse, unreasonable expectations, still seeking parental approval as an older adult, etc...

What I first had to discover was myself - who was I as a parent, what are my values, what are my dreams.  All the meanwhile, be a sibling, be a friend, and be a good human being.  This is a process that is on-going but I feel a bit more confident at it than before.  It's a cycle of "speaking your truth", "understanding others truth", "quieting yourself enough to hear truth", and "acknowledging change-ask for forgiveness, forgive, and let go".
Parenting is a hard job.  You are it! The buck stops here! My son doesn't see my frailties but views me as someone who understands the world and expects me to teach him about it.  The work I was doing when my son was born was working to combat HIV/AIDS and demand people recognize LGBT people of color rights.  It was incredible work but it drew a lot out of me.  When I got home I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.  After a day of work, I got home and didn't have anything left to give to my son. 

I believe in energy.  We manifest energy from our bodies and the universe.  We share them with one another when we share stories, love, passion, etc.  I didn't know at that time how to protect myself and re-energize myself so I was a mess.  I'm much more thoughtful now and realize that I am a practiced extrovert.  I do not get energy from being outgoing or being around a lot of people.  I am an introvert who needs quiet reflection time to get re-energized.  I enjoy reading.  I've discovered my love of writing.  Who would have guessed that I'd be here but I'm here now so I'm going to enjoy it...