I've been on bad, bad dates, courtships, pick-ups, relationships, etc. Ok, not all were bad. There were some good ones. Just bad timing.
What I've come to know when meeting someone is:
(1) I actually like to go on a date. Ask me out. Take me to dinner. Let's see a movie. Let's have great conversation. Allow chemistry to happen. If it doesn't work out then we can still talk like adults.
(2) Sex doesn't define a relationship. Random hook ups. Just cause you stayed the night doesn't mean move your shit in. Take everything with you when you leave. Don't assume monogamy unless we talk about it. If you want something more refer to (1).
(3) Chemistry is essential. When you meet someone you know. If there is a stirring and I giggle, throw my hair aside then I'm intrigued. I'm not planning a wedding just fascinated. Refer to (1).
(4) Intelligent conversation is a must. If we sit and talk about the weather and trivial facts then here is a hint: we ain't going anywhere with this. I'm not asking for politically motivated talks with discerning ideologies but for goodness sake, be ready for an intelligent talk.
(5) Personal Hygiene is being evaluated. I wash my ass every day and I expect at a minimum you do as well. God only knows how many people I know who are afraid of daily showers. Fool me, spritz yourself, use powder or put on some cologne. If you smell sour – no go!
(6) Being alone does not equate lonely. I've learned to go to the movies alone. I've learned to shop alone. I've learned to enjoy my own company. I don't mind spending time alone. Please be self sufficient and appreciate being alone.
(7) Desperate need not apply. If we meet and you are carrying all your belongings with you then please move along. I don't have room at my house for another body nor another mouth to feed. Please have your own place for us to go to.
(8) Needy, No Way! If you require inordinate amount of time and energy then guess what, I'm not the one. I've been in those emotionally draining relationships where we talk about feelings all the time, they are on me all the time, and nope, not for me.
(9) Just cause my kid is friendly to you then don't assume. I have a pretty outgoing kid who is pleasant to be around so don't aim for his attention cause it just weirds me out. I'm highly suspicious and you will not pass go. I will avoid your calls. CREEP
(10) Laugh, a lot. I enjoy laughing and teasing. If you do not have a sense of humor then move along. I can't imagine my life with out laughing.
(11) Critic. If your idea of fun is to pick at me or critique people then stop. I'm not the one. I enjoy a variety of people and at times I know they are characters, that's what I enjoy about them. I love the diversity of the people in my life. Quirky, odd and fascinating – that's what I like.
(12) Don't fuck my friends. This should be rule # 1 but it always amazes me that I need to remind people this. I refuse to believe chivalry is dead.
(13) Don't hit on my friends. Have some class you ass. I can't believe people who think that getting to know me is your opportunity to make a move on my friends. Hell NO!
(14) Know what Racism / Classism / Sexism and other 'isms' mean and how they impact people. I don't want to be your test case. I don't want to explain the intricate details of their implications in my life. If you don't use that appendage above your neck for anything other than decorations then move along.
(15) No – I do not want to see your medicine bag in the bar. There is a time and place for a variety of discussions. Spirituality and bars do not mix.
(16) I don't care if your great grandma or that your partially Native when we first meet. If this is how you approach me then I am gone. I don't need your Tribal enrollment papers to get to know you. I'll let that unfold as time goes along. I'm an equal opportunity dater...
(17) Drug abuser...Need I say more. I don't appreciate someone who is high all the time. If this is your way of functioning in life then go right ahead, do you. I'm doing me.
(18) Alcoholic. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy a drink. If you wake up and need one to get you through the day then nope. I can't do it. I've lived through this and it wasn't fun.
(19) “I'm beautiful”...seriously, that tired old line has been used. Be innovative. Say something that intrigues me. When I hear this statement then I run like hell.
(20) Just cause I'm single doesn't mean I'm desperate. I may be out with my friends dancing or being a wing person for them. I'm really ok at the end of the night going home alone. It's not a requirement that I go home with someone to fulfill a need.
(21) If you have baby mama drama then leave me alone. Need I say more.
(22) Know who you are – Gay, Bi, Trans...however you define yourself. Just be compatible with me. I'm an effeminate gay man who borders on trans and enjoys the term queer who lives an open life.
(23) If you are still in love with someone else then deal with it. I don't want to start to get to know someone and you are still hung up on someone. How fair is that?
(24) If you don't have enough courage to talk to me then we won't get along. Speak frankly, ask. If I'm in the mood then I'll answer appropriately.
(25) I'm not a virgin. Don't assume that you are my first. I've got a history. I know you do.
I'm 39 years old and I love my life. I don't require a person in my life to define me. I don't want someone in my life who doesn't want to be there. I'm not perfect so I don't expect you to be. I just need you to be aware of you. I know what I want. Do you?
Read this list carefully, it'll save both you and me time, cause life is short. Happily Single, XOXO