Saturday, June 11, 2011

How could I let anyone love me when I didn't love myself?

It's not that I didn't try. I've read every self help book available to mankind. I tried self love. I stayed in those quiet moments but nothing. I hugged myself better. I cried all that sourness from my soul. I forgave. I let go. I breathed.

When you spend so much of your time pleasing people and trying to make them happy then you lose yourself. You lose the essence of who you are. When they've gone on with their lives then you are left to figure yourself out. You don't hear their voices telling you what to do. You hear your own. You hear your longings. You hear your knowledge.

Coming to terms with all of that is tough. Standing in who you are takes energy and strength. Somewhere, somehow you find it. Divine grace. You become you.

I've been blessed with many people who have carried me along when I couldn't. They dreamed for me when I couldn't. They saw past all of what I was. They knew my spark. For that I am grateful. I know now without them I wouldn't know me.

A painful childhood, a young adulthood searching, a period of confusion, then silence. I can say there were men throughout this time that helped me but that wouldn't be true. Those men reflected back to me what I believed I was. They were me. They were reaching for being loved.

I look now down into the future and I am afraid. Not because of not feeling confident but childish trepidation. First steps into a vast unknown. My unknown. My life.

I excited by life's possibilities, of what it brings. The dreams that have not been realized. The possibilities that lay about. I know possible.

So many people have been around me to help me. They are still there. They believe in me. They love me. I believe in me. I love me...Finally!

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