Thursday, February 17, 2011

What I've Been Up To Lately! Lessons From My BUSY Time....

I have chosen to live my life at a much slower pace over the past few years.  When my son was younger I was blindingly busy and on this committee and that effort, I got lost.  I lost the experience of being a parent.  I spent a lot of my time working on community initiatives, community projects, and whomever needed me.  I had to stop and reflect when I realized one day that I was not doing anyone justice.  Upon further reflection I realized that I did not have the capacity to be a good attentive parent when I didn't even know how.  Also, I met many children of activists and their stories troubled me.  I'll let them tell their tales of feeling abandoned, absentee parents, verbal abuse, unreasonable expectations, still seeking parental approval as an older adult, etc...

What I first had to discover was myself - who was I as a parent, what are my values, what are my dreams.  All the meanwhile, be a sibling, be a friend, and be a good human being.  This is a process that is on-going but I feel a bit more confident at it than before.  It's a cycle of "speaking your truth", "understanding others truth", "quieting yourself enough to hear truth", and "acknowledging change-ask for forgiveness, forgive, and let go".
    
Parenting is a hard job.  You are it! The buck stops here! My son doesn't see my frailties but views me as someone who understands the world and expects me to teach him about it.  The work I was doing when my son was born was working to combat HIV/AIDS and demand people recognize LGBT people of color rights.  It was incredible work but it drew a lot out of me.  When I got home I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.  After a day of work, I got home and didn't have anything left to give to my son. 

I believe in energy.  We manifest energy from our bodies and the universe.  We share them with one another when we share stories, love, passion, etc.  I didn't know at that time how to protect myself and re-energize myself so I was a mess.  I'm much more thoughtful now and realize that I am a practiced extrovert.  I do not get energy from being outgoing or being around a lot of people.  I am an introvert who needs quiet reflection time to get re-energized.  I enjoy reading.  I've discovered my love of writing.  Who would have guessed that I'd be here but I'm here now so I'm going to enjoy it...

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