Saturday, September 13, 2014

1,000 Cranes - The Innocence of My Son, 'I Wish You Happiness...'

1,000 Cranes.  I had been fired from my job because I couldn’t condone making up services numbers on a project, so I was told my services were no longer needed, nor necessary.   I was fired.  No unemployment.  No prospects.  I stood up for what I believed in, yet it was with an outcome that I didn’t expect.  I began to do manual labor.  I painted apartments for my landlord to cover the costs of rent.  I was on public assistance, again.  It was a difficult time.  I was heavy with worry a lot of the time.  I was hurt emotionally from the experience.  A graduate education didn’t matter cause I was beginning again.  I don’t lay my adult worries on my son, but he watched me.  I came home one day from painting and Sonny was doing origami.  He was watching Youtube and learning to fold cranes.  I commented on how beautiful they were.  A few days later, he was still at it.  His little 9 year old hands were folding paper, creasing, and meticulously making cranes.  I asked why he was doing this.  I figured it was to decorate his room.  No it wasn’t.  He told me the story about a Japanese legend that if he folded 1,000 cranes that he’d be granted a wish.  His wish was that I’d be happy again and I wouldn’t have to worry all the time about money, food, rent, lights, gas, and how I was gonna get what he needed.  I was stunned.  I then sobbed when I heard this and held him in my arms.  I reminded him things will get better.  Life just threw us a curveball.  I apologized for not being happy go lucky Mom that he needed.  I thanked him for his project.  His wish meant everything to me.  I got my wish when he was born.  And, this is one of the many reasons my son continues to amaze me…             

Monday, May 5, 2014

Yeah sure, I could’ve done it differently, but I didn't...Accepting 'mid-life' on its terms ain't easy.

Being present in this new stage of my life requires diligence.    It is me being diligent of not looking at my past with longing and trying to hold on.  It is me being diligent about not looking into my future with foreboding.  I may not be where I thought I was going to be, but I am where I need to be.  I listen to my Elders with anticipation.  I listen to the younger generation with awe.  For my contemporaries, I am witnessing a struggle.  I realize this may be my projecting my internal discourse.  I am witnessing people holding onto a time in their past when they were bold, confident, and inspiring with a desperate-ness.  They hold onto anger as a salve to cool fresh wounds from their past.  They struggle to forgive because letting go is likened to falling into an abyss.  Their unwillingness to accept life as it is may mean that they’ve given up.  I’m discovering my middle place (Middle Age) is exciting and continues to be filled with passion.  The changes my body is going through reminds me of my connection to creation.  Season change, so do I, and time will move along without any effort.